It’s finally here. Our massive, over-the-top, big budget finale to the January Transfer Window Blockbuster series. We’ve overpaid for every Hollywood star on the planet to help up realize this masterpiece and it’s all funded by Roman Abramovich. Hell, even porn star Kim Kardashian is gonna be there.

Enjoy our 3D, motion capture of a center back, in the most cliche way possible; a drawn out transfer saga from Earth to Pandora, er, Bolton to London. Complete with blue cats.

Landon Donovan set up both goals for Everton as the Toffees came from behind to drop Duece’s Fulham out of the FA Cup.

Donovan, my man, I don’t know how to put this so I’m just gonna come out and sa-JUST F**KING STAY IN ENGLAND AND MAKE THE MOST OUT OF YOUR CAREER!! YOU’RE 29, IN YOUR PRIME, AND LOTS OF SCOUSE WOMEN WOULD ABSOLUTELY DO YOU!! NOT TO MENTION, THERE ARE MILLIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH TO PLAY IN THE ENGLISH F**KING PREMIER LEAGUE. AND YOU ARE! SO F**KING DO IT!!

Whoa. Apologies. It’s been a long week.

Out from the cover of the newest issue of TIME Magazine peer the eyes of the world’s greatest footballer, next to Craig Bellamy. Indeed, the face of Barcelona’s “King Leo” Messi will appear on the iconic magazine cover which hit’s newsstands around the world next week…just you won’t be seeing his mug in the United States.

It’s a shame. But an understandable shame. TIME magazine, which has been struggling to sell newsstand copies over the past few years, probably can’t afford to showcase Messi in a country that, frankly, is too busy planning Super Bowl parties and platters right now. (Some wing lovers, like myself, have actually lost their minds. I give you, Cupcakes x Buffalo Wings.)

Anyways, the U.S. edition has decided to go with about shyness. How dry can we get? Whether or not the Messi interview will be inside the magazine, I’m not sure. But TIME has posted some excerpts of King Leo’s semi-revealing sit-down on it’s website. (Remember, Leo is always a bit cagey in interviews.) Here’s a few.

On whether he’s had to sacrifice fun in the pursuit of excellence:

I never thought that. I always thought I wanted to play professionally, and I always knew that to do that I’d have to make a lot of sacrifices. I made sacrifices by leaving Argentina, leaving my family to start a new life. I changed my friends, my people. Everything. But everything I did, I did for football, to achieve my dream. That’s why I didn’t go out partying, or a lot of other things.

More after the jump…

Today, Harry Redknapp’s trial for tax evasion continued in London. Besides having a Cockney accent, Redknapp’s defense or alibi or whatever you want to call it, was that he can’t write for shit. We here at Third Kit thought, “come on.” That’s not possible. A respected professional football manager who can’t write?

It’s apparently true though. He has hired Annie Sullivan III – yes, she’s the Miracle Worker’s granddaughter – to help him learn to communicate through writing. Through our investigative endeavor, we’ve found that Tottenham’s Helen Keller has been practicing. We found his scratch paper after digging through the trash.

Imagine being trapped in a place where your overlord is the Indian Colonel Sanders, your boss looks like Uncle Fester, and every decent player around you is on the verge of being sold. It’s a place from which even Snake couldn’t escape.

Well, Chris Samba is going to try his damnedest.

(commence action movie voice over) We thought it was over. We thought the Man United midfield was gutted, sold, or lost its awesome dreads. WE WERE WRONG. This winter, one hero, who is older than mammoth crap, returns to rescue his team and his boss. The rest of Fergie’s Fledglings have moved on, but this ginger warrior is back for more.

Paul Scholes is… The Last of the Fledglings

Continuing our transfer window blockbuster segment from yesterday… Today, we look at the one saga that seems to have become an annoying growth on the world of football.

Carlos Tevez is stuck in limbo. He was dreaming to get out of Manchester City, which in turn made Corinthians dream that they could afford to get him back. Meanwhile, Tevez was dreaming within his dream that he could play for his boyhood club Boca Juniors. Sheikh Mansour told them all to keep dreaming when they wanted a loan deal for the troubled striker. Now, the apex of the drama! Adriano Galliani and AC Milan will attempt to sneak into Tevez’s dream to beat up Mansour and take Carlitos off the driving range and to the San Siro! Are you confused? So are we! Who knows where Kia Joorabchian will show up?!

Clint Dempsey is so hot right now, but lest we forget, he’ll never be as hot as his missus, sweet Bethany.

Most of us know summer as the time for massive Hollywood movies. It’s also the time for out favorite European footballing outfits to go out and do some business in the transfer market. Others wait until their gutted, inexperienced squad is mauled 8-2 to go out and make panic buys. No matter, now is not that time. It’s the summer transfer block’s red headed step brother, the January transfer window. We’ve decided to celebrate all of the various transfers, loans, and various other sagas through our favorite – and most appropriate – movie posters.

Today, arguably the best sequel to expect this summer, except maybe that little Batman movie… Anyway, our favorite mercenaries are back! They’re at it again in North London, Liverpool, Birmingham, and some nondescript tropical getaway run by a warlord, to use their skills for anyone that pays MLS enough money for their services!

Really love how the title of this Fox Soccer clip is simply: “Clint Dempsey is sensational.”

Indeed he is. Duece remained out of his gord today with his second hat trick in the last two weeks. This one makes him the first American to bag a trifecta in the Premier League in history. Onion eyes, you’re my hero.

If there’s any time for Dempsey to go chase that Champions League dream, it’s now or, more likely, this summer. As romantic as staying with Fulham is, Dempsey can only stretch his britches at Craven Cottage so long. It’s about time he flew the coup and I can hear Harry Redknapp scratching his gobble with temptation right now.

Excuse my bad manners if I start a rumor, but if Modric is out, is Dempsey a replacement?