EPL Transfers: What Is and What Should Never Be (Part 1)

With a little over three weeks left before the transfer window closes and very little movement in the grossly inflated market, it’s time to assess what the teams in England have done, what they’re thinking of doing, why it’s probably dumb (or smart in a few cases), and why they should listen to what I write here instead. We’ll roll this out in five parts, top to bottom of the table, 4 teams each time. And yes, I do think one or all of these teams should offer me a job.

Hmm...should I buy another yacht or an over-priced footballer?

1. Chelsea FC

Incoming: Ramires, Yossi Benayoun

Outgoing: Michael Ballack, Joe Cole

I hate to say it, but so far, Chelsea haven’t done too poorly for themselves. Both key players that left the team have been replaced quite adequately. Granted, Ramires doesn’t have the reputation or physical presence that Ballack has, but he is incredibly gifted on the ball and should play quite well with the likes of Frank Lampard and John Obi Mikel (or whatever order of names he prefers now). Benayoun will play a very similar role to Joe Cole’s, but it will be interesting to see how he fits in with guys like Lampard and Kalou.

With that said, here’s what they should still do. They have four great center backs: Carvalho, Alex, Ivanovic, and just barely making the list, Terry. There’s only so much you can do with four big time defenders, therefore, Chelsea sell Carvalho to Real Madrid like he wants, move Ivanovic central to play alongside Terry, and let Alex fill in where he can. If Jose Bosingwa doesn’t get healthy and back to form in the first few games, look at buying someone like David Santon (This would be a two-fold buy. He’s young and great at the right back position and you’d be hurting Rafa Benitez).

2. Manchester United

Incoming: Chris Smalling, Javier “Chicarito” Hernandez

Outgoing: Zoran Tosic

You know, for a club that received 80 million pounds for one player not too long ago, United sure have been quiet in the transfer market. Oh wait, apologies, they’re in a worse financial shape than Greece! No matter what Sir Alex says, of course the greedy Glazers are going to tighten their purse strings. They didn’t become billionaires by being idiots. (They became idiots after they became billionaires). However, both guys that they have bought seem to be good purchases. Hernandez was a steal because they bought him before he had his great World Cup for Mexico and Smalling was already locked up and seems to be one for the future of defense.

The most glaring problem for the team is that two of their best playmakers are older than mammoth shit. It’s both a testament to their talents and the lack of it coming into the team that Sir Alex still prefers to play Ryan Giggs and Paul Scholes in the biggest games. There was talk of Wesley Sneijder coming in to replace Scholes, but it’s doubtful they could afford him. It’s about time that United stop loaning out talents like Danny Welbeck. It’s about time they stop spending money on over-priced strikers like Dimitar Berbatov. If they’re going to buy anyone, it should be someone like Yoann Gourcuff. He’s younger than Sneijder and probably has a higher ceiling at his age.

3. Arsenal (aka How to Keep Cesc Fabregas)

Look how happy he looks! (insert teenage girl squeal hear)

Incoming: Marouane Chamakh, Laurent Koscielny

Outgoing: Eduardo, Fran Merida, Philippe Senderos

Arsene Wenger can do no wrong. Arsene Wenger can do no wrong. That is what we Arsenal fans have to keep repeating to ourselves during every transfer window and after every season farther removed from the last trophy that was lifted. Chamakh and Koscielny look to be really great acquisitions. Chamakh is a proven goal scorer who is big and can hold up the ball and doesn’t have Adebayor’s attitude and Koscielny will hopefully be this year’s Thomas Vermaelen. Eduardo has never really regained his form after his horrific leg break and Merida, although incredibly talented, never had a chance to prove himself in midfield. Senderos has been on the fringe for two years so this should put him out of his misery. At least they threw him to Fulham instead of taking him out back…

But…it has always been about Fabregas. He is the captain. He is the heartbeat of the team. If he plays well, the team plays well, and he doesn’t often play poorly. This year, Arsenal have told Barcelona to eff off. It worked and that’s great, but I’m afraid this treaty will only last until the end of the season unless the following happen:

1. Arsenal win the Premier League and one other trophy. Fabregas wants to win and walking out on the Premier League champions would be much harder than walking out on a “nearly there” team.

2. Arsenal MUST buy at least two BIG names. Enough of this cheap, thrifty transfer policy. You must show your best player that he is worth going out and buying some big time support. That means a ‘keeper that is consistent every single game and won’t ship in goals that chip away at the ones Fabregas and Co. create. Names that come to mind: Hugo Lloris, Joe Hart, Tim Howard (my personal choice), and Sebastien Frey. The other player has to be someone that is visibly making a difference on the pitch. No more attacking midfielders; the squad is overflowing with them. Arsenal need a defender who is big, fast, and strong. Someone who can lock down a speedy forward no matter what. Money is no object. Think Nemanja Vidic, Lucio, Thiago Silva and Alex. Wenger must not be afraid of any proposition. If Cesc says bid for Wayne Rooney, however unlikely, you work to get that Scouser in an Arsenal shirt.

3. Arsene Wenger must sign a new contract. He, along with the fans, are the two most tangible things keeping Fabregas at Arsenal. He loves playing for Wenger, but he relishes playing for his idol Pep Guardiola at Barcelona just as much. If Wenger is gone, Cesc is gone.

4. Tottenham Hotspur

With Harry Redknapp at the helm, one would think that there would be a ton of transfers coming and going, however that is definitely not the case. There’s been plenty of speculation about Craig Bellamy, Scott Parker, Klaas-Jan Huntelaar, and Alexander Hleb, but nothing concrete. More than likely, they will get Bellamy once Man City have to start clearing out their squad for the new “25 Player/home grown rule,” but probably won’t get Scott Parker. West Ham’s porn king owners don’t look to have much intention to get rid of their better players.

It doesn’t seem as though Spurs need much else. They’re finally in the Champions League. They’re stocked up on strikers with Peter Crouch, Jermaine Defoe, Robbie Keane, and Roman Pavlyuchenko. Their midfield is solid with Wilson Palacios, Gareth Bale, and Tom Huddlestone, Niko Kranjcar, Luka Modric, and Jermaine Jenas. They’re strongest at the back though. The King/Dawson central defensive pairing is as legit as there is in the Premier League. Maybe the only thing to do would be to buy another central defender for when Ledley King inevitably gets hurt and Jonathan Woodgate inevitably gets hurt replacing him.