Deadline Day Awards: The Best of the Absurd

Yesterday, for most of us, consisted of playing FIFA for 6 hours while Sky Sports blasted on the TV in the next room, all while we sat in our underwear. No? Just me? Ok.

Well, you guys missed out, because it was loads of fun. Following the excitement and intrigue of Deadline Day in nothing but boxer briefs is a liberating experience, and since Januarys in Boston are usually pretty cold, I’ll have to wait a whole year until I get the next chance. Real bummer.

But don’t fret too much. I’ll do my best to relive the day for you, stopping just short of pics of me in my underwear eating peanut butter crackers and cheese sticks. Jesus, what’s wrong with me? Anyway, here are our Deadline Day Awards:

Best Transfer That Was On, Then Off, Then On Again:

Mikel Arteta to Arsenal: It was the transfer of the day if you’re an Arsenal fan. With 4 hours or so left in the window, it came out that Arsenal made an “all cash” £10m bid for the Everton man, which I assume was delivered to Merseyside in a briefcase. Then there was a mixup on which club the money should be delivered to and everyone was reporting the deal was off an hour later. But then, Arteta informed Everton that he wanted to leave, probably because he plays for… well… Everton, and the deal was back on. They squeezed it out just in time.

Best Combination Of Bad Timing And Aircrafts:

This one goes to Newcastle. On August 30th, or maybe very very early on August 31st, Fulham announced that they had agreed on a deal to bring FC Twente’s Bryan Ruiz to Craven Cottage for around £10.5m. With hours remaining until the deadline, and while Ruiz was literally being put through his paces by Fulham’s docs in a medical, Newcastle matched Fulham’s bid and were reported to have offered an improved financial package to the Costa Rican. His agent informed him of the deal and that Newcastle had a helicopter on standby to rush him to the North-East to finalize the deal. Since he probably didn’t want to have his balls cupped twice in one day by an old physio, he decided to sign for Fulham.

Best Craziest Rumor That Could Have Been Real:

There’s only one team that this can really go to. No, not Manchester City, I’m talking about the little Russian club that could, Anzhi Makhachkala. A rumor went around that claimed they were about to make a £41m bid for Liverpool’s Andy Carroll. After doing some research, I found that several outlets claimed Lee Ryder of The Chronicle was the first to mention it on his Twitter account. Funny, that tweet doesn’t seem to be there anymore. Egg on your face Mr. Ryder?

Best Undervaluation Of A Player:

Step up Spurs, this one goes to “Arry and Daniel Levy. After selling/loaning 14,321 players yesterday (Alan Hutton, Jermaine Jenas, David Bentley, Peter Crouch, and Wilson Palacios) Spurs probably had some money floating around. Let’s just do some quick math here: £10m for Crouch + £8m for Palacios + £4m for Hutton = £22m. That’s well over the £13-15m range that was being mentioned as Bolton’s magic number to let centerback stud Gary Cahill leave the Reebok. I understand that he has one year left on his contract ‘Arry, but come on dude. Cahill commands the English premium, he’s young, and he’s talented. Enjoy Ledley King’s impending retirement and 34 year-old William Gallas at the heart of your defense. Tottenham did manage to swipe West Ham midfielder Scott Parker for £7 million AND keep hold of Luka Modric from Chelsea’s sticky fingers…for now.

Best Death Of A Painfully Dumb Rumor:

Since I like you ‘Arry, I’m going to give this one to you too. After coming back from commercial, the Sky Sports crew was super pumped about “massive news coming from the Spurs camp that could define this day as the club’s biggest ever” – said the sexy woman I want to marry one day. Then, SSN announced Kaka could be moving to Tottenham! As I beat my head into a wall from the shear nonsense of what was just said, BOOM, they cut to their guy at White Hart Lane, and he says he sees ‘Arry driving up in his car. He stops him and decides to ask him about the big news, all excited like he may need some Depends. With a jiggle of his gobble, ‘Arry just says, “No, no, no,” shaking his head as if amused by a 10 month old throwing food on the ground. And poof! The 2 minute, 31 second life span of the Kaka to Spurs rumor was over, and Sky Sports looked really really silly.

Best Surprise Transfer That Nobody Talked About:

Remember Vicente? The Valencia man who helped Rafa Benitez and Co. pip Barca to the La Liga title back in the 2003-2004 season with 12 goals? He also lifted the UEFA Cup with Los Che that year, scoring and assisting on both goals in the final against Marseille. Well, the 30 year-old is set to make a shock move to the Championship with Brighton and Hove Albion. (It’s a free transfer since he’s out of contract so the deal can be finalized whenever.) What makes this even more exciting is that Gus Poyet’s side sit atop of the Championship despite being promoted from League One just months ago. The newest Cinderella story in football may be bringing Vicente to a Premier League ground near you soon enough. Stay tuned.

Best Aortas In Football Management For Transfer Season:

Absolutely has to go to Stoke’s Tony Pulis and Peter Coates. They know how to leave things until the last minute without going into cardiac arrest from the stress of getting deals done with just seconds to spare. Last year they brought in Marc Wilson, Jermaine Pennant and Eidur Gudjohnsen at the last minute, and they didn’t disappoint this time around. Peter Crouch, Wilson Palacios and Cameron Jerome all joined the ranks at the Britannia in a busy 24 hours making Stoke the big winners on deadline day. I expect medical researchers to run tests on the pair’s hearts and nervous systems in the coming days.