Losers
To start off, this post is not about TK’s writers. It’s not about Liverpool or Scousers in general. Let’s just look at it as an anti-climactic way to spend the rest day between the end of the group stages of EURO 2012 and the beginning of the quarter finals. So let’s see how and why the eight teams that are out of contention for continental glory instead find themselves face down in elephant crap.
GROUP A
Russia – Being a person that hails from this country, let me just tell you it’s full of losers as it is, so it’s no surprise that even master Dutch tactician Dick Advocaat couldn’t anything out of this team. They were plagued by lackluster finishing from Alexander Kerzhakov, they foolishly left Roman Pavlyuchenko on the bench, and even a rejuvenated Andrey Arse-shavin couldn’t bring life to this team. The lone bright spot was Alan Dzagoev. This team and its setup actually reminds me of Fabio Capello with England; so much supposed promise and potential, and yet they still managed to bring the inevitable disappointment.
Poland – I genuinely feel bad for the Poles and their team. They played some decent football, but ultimately just didn’t score enough goals. It’s in them, I think, but Lewandowski just didn’t get the kind of service needed to be effective – and it’s not the service the Russian’s were probably busy with instead of trying to win games. Blaszczykowski, aka Kuba Gooding Jr, tried his damnedest, but he just couldn’t show us the money.
GROUP B
Netherlands – F^&% these guys. They ruined everything. Literally everything. My bracket is shot. How on God’s green Earth can you not win games with the amount of talent these clog-wearing idiots have in their team?? I’m going to personally water board every single member of this team by strapping them to a windmill and letting it fly like the damn Price is Right wheel until I get some answers. Oh, and F*$% you Bert van Marwijk for playing two holding midfielders instead of letting Huntelaar go forward with van Persie.
Denmark – Just so everyone is counting, Nicklas Bendtner had double the goals that RVP had, and also one more lucrative underwear sponsor. I didn’t give the Danes a chance, and ultimately I was right, but I will say they definitely showed they’re better than anyone expected. If they can keep it up, it could be an interesting team. Denmark-Belgium in the World Cup Final in 2014. Calling it.
GROUP C
Croatia – I’ll preface this by saying that both teams that did go through from this group were deserving. The Italians were so incredibly un-Italian, especially against Spain, that I’ll tip my hat to them. At the same time, Croatia were in full attack mode their entire time at the tournament, and it’ s always unfair when a team like that gets shafted. I think it’s clear that if only Luka Modric wasn’t so goofy looking, they’d be through.
Ireland – Come on. Did you really think this team had anything resembling a chance? They didn’t even have the hideous thing that the chance took as his own son, but knew deep down that the father was the immigrant milk man. Sorry Ireland. When your main threat is Keith Andrews, it won’t be pretty.
GROUP D
Sweden – A massive surprise. Seriously. On paper, they’re better than both England and Ukraine. Zlatan turned on too little too late against France and they pissed away a game they probably should’ve won against England. I’ll even let the Ukraine game slide because there was so much home team euphoria. Bottom line, they really crapped the bed.
Ukraine – For the second European Championships in a row, neither host nation progressed to the quarter finals. Ukraine looked amazing against Sweden, thanks in part to Sheva 2.0; somehow he got a reboot. Understandably, they got broken down by France, but their performance against England was reminiscent of the old Soviet teams. No drive, very little urgency, and the team just didn’t seem to care what happened. They probably all got paid the night before and figured their work was done. Shows yet again how close Ukraine and Russia remain.