Premier League Preview: Sponsor Edition

August 18, 2012 1 Comment by Pasha

As you all know, TK takes into account all of the leading indicators to predict results for the upcoming season. While many other blogs and so-called experts look at absurd markers such as squad, transfers, and schedule, we know what really matters: SHIRT SPONSORS. Funding is important, but if you have a real bad ass sponsor that provides insurance or funds terrorism, there’s just that much more gusto infused into the team spirit.

More after the jump…

TeamSponsorEventual Finish
Emirates Airlines – Fancy airline, probably overpriced, and it’ll end up being a big disappointment at the end.2
Genting Casino – Gambling all over the UK, with two casinos in Birmingham. Villa players play harder just to pay back the bookies, and a surprise mid-table finish follows!9
Samsung – I just bought a Philips TV so…4
Chang Beer – All things good and all things bad beckon when you have a beer sponsor. Everton has no money, but they have beer. They always seem to outdo expectations, so they have beer to celebrate. Tim Cahill has left so they need to drink their problems away. Just as with any beer drinker, Everton will get drunk enough to slip it into the average looking Europa League next season.7
FxPro – Worldwide traders, these FxPro guys. Like modern Davy Crocketts! Maybe they’ll help Martin Jol make some good deals here and there. But maybe not. Hopefully they’ll be satisfied with the top half of the table.10
Standard Chartered – For those that are unaware, this bank is essentially the evil multi-national corporation that funds all things and people unsavory. Also they fund Liverpool. News of dealings with Iran pissed people off, but maybe some of that money from Tehran will fund the Reds’ next great player!6
Etihad – Proof that Man City doesn’t have a true business development department. They just took a subsidiary of their owners and slapped that logo on their shirts. Emirati oil, Emirati money, and Emirati planes. Why not? Won’t lead to a League repeat though.3
Aon – How do they feel about United’s next sponsor, GM by way of Chevrolet, getting more press than they do? Aon are an insurance company, and they’re not losing money like GM, or United, for that matter. It won’t matter. These bastards will still win.1
Virgin Money – Virgins, eh? Sorry, had to make the joke. Sir Richard Branson’s company is well respected. They’re forward thinking. Seems to be rubbing off on the Magpies and Alan Pardew.5
Aviva – Yet another insurance company. Basically a bunch of nerd salesman are sponsoring the EPL. Aviva are massive so why sponsor Norwich?? Maybe it’s their canary in a cave before they know it’s safe to sponsor a big team? Get it? Oh, they’ll avoid relegation I guess.12
Air Asia – At least Joey Barton will get cheap or possibly free tickets to go visit Thai hookers. Do you think the flight attendants will let new boy Jose Bosingwa on the flight? Also, points deducted for simply using your owner’s company as a sponsor.19
Waitrose – Given what Wikipedia has told me, this is like the Trader Joe’s of the UK. Kind of hippie dippie, but still bearable. They give money to charity which is nice. The only UK company that really only has an interest in marketing within the country. Which is good because Reading aren’t playing on the continent any time soon. But they won’t be relegated either!15
aap3 – An IT company…..NNEEEERRRDDDSSS!!!! Saints stay up though.16
bet365 – Gambling for people that clearly need a distraction based on their team’s miserable style of play and Stoke-on-Trent seeming like a miserable place to live. Of course, Stoke City still somehow continue to progress in the top flight.8
Invest in Africa – This seems like a great sponsor. So positive. Right up Martin O’Neill’s alley. Then I find out it’s just an oil company trying to get other companies to buy into its investments to make more money. I don’t really have any issues with it, it’s just boring now. Sunderland in a nutshell.14
32Red – More gambling. No terrorist ties. No Emirati ties. What’s the difference. This write up sure is getting dull. Good thing Michael Laudrup is the coach now! That’s exciting.13
Aurasma – Why is it the team I dislike most has to have to coolest sponsor by far? Aurasma is an augmented reality browser on your phone. It’s technology interacting with the physical world! The singularity is coming! A trophy for Spurs is not!!11
Zoopla – Another more local sponsor. It’s a property and house prices website. That’s super boring. Did West Brom forget they have a dude in their team whose last name is Odemwingie!!?? They can’t be this boring.18
SBOBET – More online gambling. West Ham barely got these guys on board in the first place. I think the deal was all of the players had to sign up to gamble then they got a logo on their tshirts. Somehow, Big Sam keeps these mooks up.17 – Wigan are so lame not even owner Dave Whelan wants his logo on the shirt. They went with the other sheep and got an online casino. RELEGATED!20

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