Cue the Mohawk. Cue the powerful finish. Cue the back flip. My favorite showman is back.

It’s Djibril Cisse time in the EPL again. And I’m most definitely smitten about it.

No real news here, just a bad ass mofo getting his kicks and more exposure to yours truly due to his move back into the Prem. After a lackluster six months at Lazio, the pacey Frenchmen is in foggy London town with QPR. Proving how perfectly his physical, fast, and powerful style fits into the English game, he netted after just 12 minutes. It’s his third debut goal for an English club. That’s pretty boss.

OK, I will try and inject some sort of analysis/news into this post. Here it is: QPR wins the Thirdkit.com Blue Ribbon for January Transfer Excellence. The most active top-flight club in the window, they brought in six players. In addition to Cisse, they snagged Bobby Zamora from Fulham to put some teeth into the Ranger’s attack. Across the back, they bought Manchester City’s Nedum Onuoha. Although last night’s second-half wasn’t superb by any means for the 24 year-old center-back, he should be a solid pick up. Additionally, some solid depth was added in the form of three shrewd loans for players who should make a big impact at Loftus Road. Federico Macheda at forward, Samba Diakite at Center Midfield, and Taye Taiwo at Leftback, a loan move via AC Milan that Thirdkit.com writers from Louisiana are already calling “dope” and “gnarly”.

Let’s do some math. They sit on 21 points. They have 15 games left to play…

15 x 3 = 45 points

45 points + 21 points = 66 points

Europa League? I think so! Call your travel agents QPR fans!

It’s finally here. Our massive, over-the-top, big budget finale to the January Transfer Window Blockbuster series. We’ve overpaid for every Hollywood star on the planet to help up realize this masterpiece and it’s all funded by Roman Abramovich. Hell, even porn star Kim Kardashian is gonna be there.

Enjoy our 3D, motion capture of a center back, in the most cliche way possible; a drawn out transfer saga from Earth to Pandora, er, Bolton to London. Complete with blue cats.

Imagine being trapped in a place where your overlord is the Indian Colonel Sanders, your boss looks like Uncle Fester, and every decent player around you is on the verge of being sold. It’s a place from which even Snake couldn’t escape.

Well, Chris Samba is going to try his damnedest.

Continuing our transfer window blockbuster segment from yesterday… Today, we look at the one saga that seems to have become an annoying growth on the world of football.

Carlos Tevez is stuck in limbo. He was dreaming to get out of Manchester City, which in turn made Corinthians dream that they could afford to get him back. Meanwhile, Tevez was dreaming within his dream that he could play for his boyhood club Boca Juniors. Sheikh Mansour told them all to keep dreaming when they wanted a loan deal for the troubled striker. Now, the apex of the drama! Adriano Galliani and AC Milan will attempt to sneak into Tevez’s dream to beat up Mansour and take Carlitos off the driving range and to the San Siro! Are you confused? So are we! Who knows where Kia Joorabchian will show up?!

Clint Dempsey is so hot right now, but lest we forget, he’ll never be as hot as his missus, sweet Bethany.

Most of us know summer as the time for massive Hollywood movies. It’s also the time for out favorite European footballing outfits to go out and do some business in the transfer market. Others wait until their gutted, inexperienced squad is mauled 8-2 to go out and make panic buys. No matter, now is not that time. It’s the summer transfer block’s red headed step brother, the January transfer window. We’ve decided to celebrate all of the various transfers, loans, and various other sagas through our favorite – and most appropriate – movie posters.

Today, arguably the best sequel to expect this summer, except maybe that little Batman movie… Anyway, our favorite mercenaries are back! They’re at it again in North London, Liverpool, Birmingham, and some nondescript tropical getaway run by a warlord, to use their skills for anyone that pays MLS enough money for their services!

Really love how the title of this Fox Soccer clip is simply: “Clint Dempsey is sensational.”

Indeed he is. Duece remained out of his gord today with his second hat trick in the last two weeks. This one makes him the first American to bag a trifecta in the Premier League in history. Onion eyes, you’re my hero.

If there’s any time for Dempsey to go chase that Champions League dream, it’s now or, more likely, this summer. As romantic as staying with Fulham is, Dempsey can only stretch his britches at Craven Cottage so long. It’s about time he flew the coup and I can hear Harry Redknapp scratching his gobble with temptation right now.

Excuse my bad manners if I start a rumor, but if Modric is out, is Dempsey a replacement?

Clint Dempsey scored a hat trick against mighty Charlton in the FA Cup this weekend.

In equally unsurprising news, @Clint_Dempsey has quickly becoming my most favoritist person on the Twitter. I, for one, never thought the guy got as much stick for his weird looking eyes as he really does, judging by the whole of American soccer’s cybersphere welcoming him to tweetland by referring to his peepers as ojos de cebollas (onion eyes/rings). But you know Clint’s so damn cool that he just dishes it back the same way he plays. Crafty .

In his young tweeting life, he’s called Hercules Gomez ’super dork’, Heath Pearce ‘Zoolander’, Brek Shea ‘Rembrandt’, Carlos Bocanegra ‘ankles’, Ale Bedoya ‘toucan’, and Brad Guzan ‘polar bear’. He even called Stu Holden ‘baby billy goat jaws’…Whatever the frug that means. Oh and apparently, Jose Torres is his ‘ninja’.

So in about 100 tweets, Dempsey unleashed over half a dozen nicknames on USMNT fans. And frankly, we don’t have enough alt-monikers for our national team stars. So we, the people, need to make sure some of these stick, ya heard? We can start by referring to Landon Donovan as ‘5 head‘ for the rest of his loan stint at Everton.

Speaking of 5-head, there’s a USMNT flavored FA Cup clash on the horizon, if you didn’t know. While Manchester United and Liverpool are devouring each other in there 4th round matchup, American fans will be treated to the first ever 5-head v onion eyes showdown. That’s right. Donovan (and Howard’s!) Everton v Duece’s Fulham. Saturday, January 28th at Goodison Park. Be on your couch. Or you’re a slouch.

(PS- Clint’s so rad he even tweets little deuce hands that look like this: ✌. So cool. I don’t know how to make them on my own yet, so until I do, I’m just going to copy and paste them little hands from Clint’s timeline. And you should too.)

Some celebration Timmy throws after beccoming just the 4th goalie to score a goal from open play in the EPL, huh? Well, Timmy, in all his modesty, explained after the game his sympathy for Bolton goalie Adam Bogdan caused him to refrain from doing cartwheels.

“I spoke to him just then and I let him know that I was feeling for him…It’s not a nice place to be. I’ve been there before, a long, long time ago and that was why I didn’t celebrate.”

Class act, that Timmy.

And indeed, Wigan’s Floyd Croll did score on Howard in a 2005 reserves match. Croll, on the other hand, didn’t hesitate to go bonkers. Jerk. What’s more, Croll tweeted right after Howard’s goal!:

@FloydCroll: I have scored to haven’t I Mr Howard #iownyoustill

Here’s video of that embarrassing moment for Howard:

And now we know exactly what it is that’s in the water Demba Ba’s been drinking. Syrup. Strawberry syrup.

Not only do we learn from this clip that Ba possibly cares more about syrup than he does his family, but he speaks like one of those people that can make you laugh with everything he says. Seems like a perpetually happy guy. Especially on the pitch. Demba Ba’s secrets to scoring: smiles and syrup. Both of which Andy Carroll could use a lot more of.