Champions League semi-finals are this week, you say? Well, let’s have a look at the bill.

Tuesday. Spanish gargantics featuring a lot of short hombres including one particularly distinguishable virtuoso with the most adorable and paradoxical of double chins, versus klotzig Germans with one really, really ugly dude and a balding Dutch guy who I imagine still gives wet willies at the age of almost 30. Nah, don’t care for either of them.

Wednesday. Another Spanish monster, but one who’s locker room stores so much hair gel and spray tan that farting and lighters are both prohibited, versus, ooh, what’s this, more Germans, but a publicly traded bunch chalk full of baby-faced homegrown stars coached by a charismatic and toothy German with the middle name “Norbert”? These ones. I’ll take them.

Okay, there’s more behind our pick for Champions League glory than vain judgments. Like the Footbonaut. Did you know Borussia Dortmund players train inside a 360° interactive football cage?? Get a load of this:

This Jetson-like training robot is said to be Dortmund’s secret weapon. A robotic ball feeding machine inside a 14 sq meter cage with 64-panel targets that trains players on precision passing and decision-making. If it didn’t cost more than some transfer fees at $3 million, you’d expect more clubs and spoiled children to own one.

But there’s even more. Believe it or not, we’re a bit of a crunchy bunch here. We like our carrots, cows, and football teams grown organically. And Dortmund are certified OG.

Here’s a club that experienced a golden age in the 90′s, winning two league titles and the Champions League in 1997, then fell on hard times and heavy debt in 2003. Realizing it was near impossible to compete with the mega-spending of German rivals Bayern Munich, and the rest of Europe’s hairiest giants, they focused on youth and development. In 2010-11, a freshly post-pubescent Dortmund, under the guise of the lively Jurgen Norbert Klöpp, stormed to the Bundesliga throne, which they retained in 2011-12. Now look at ‘em, their peach fuzz turning to stubble right before our eyes on the European stage.

Combine this sustainable approach with their status as the first and only publicly traded football club on the German stock market, and you can’t help but see Dortmund as a beacon of good in an ugly football world. Not to mention, they some of the most passionate, and artistic, fans in the world. When Dortmund pulled off a miracle, albeit controversial, comeback against Qatari sheikh-backed Malaga in the quarterfinals, I thought, maybe there is a football god.

Although clubs like Barcelona and Bayern Munich run on a similar fan-owned, co-operative business model, it’s the weird kid, the underdog we all secretly pull for. And if all these words don’t get you behind Dortmund for these semi-finals, maybe this picture will.

They’re the cellar dwellers of 4th division in Germany. They haven’t scored in five matches and have bagged just 16 goals in their last 25. FC Madgeburg are, by all definitions, having a dreadful season.

But despite their impotence, FCM are just two points off the relegation zone. And they’re devout fans aren’t giving up on them. In fact, in their last match against BAK ’07, they decided to help out as much as they could by pointing out exactly where that elusive onion bag really is. The result is the most amusing display of fandom we’ve seen in a long time.

Madgeburg fans were treated to a goal, at last (which is at the very of the clip), but not a victory. FCM lost 2-1, forcing these fans to come up with more creative ways of inspiring their club or else they’ll be cheering on a 5th division club. If that even exists. (It does. It’s called the Oberliga, which translates to ‘Premier League.’ So relegation might not be so bad after all…)

H/T – 101gg

THIS morsel of shame might take the cake in the short lived feature that is Diving Lessons. Arjen Robben, an ever-cheeky Dutchman not afraid to smack his own teammates, makes like a long-jumper going for just an extra bit of the sandbox.

Here’s a nice bit of botchery served by Bundesliga 2 this weekend. Greuther Fürth’s Edgar Prib’s miss is just about as unfortunate as his name.

‘Mr. Prib’ is so dangerously close to Mr. Pibb, the once better version of Dr. Pepper. Now it’s called Pibb Xtra, which just isn’t as cool. Or tasty. Why they always gotta mess with a good thing? My cavities are still going through withdrawals.

NOTE – Although it looks like they do score the goal just as the clip ends, THEY DON’T! This one ended 0-0. Shame, shame, shaaammeee.

Sotirios Kyrgiakos surprisingly left Liverpool on Monday after transferring to VfL Wolfsburg. It is not yet confirmed whether or not the club received any transfer funds for the center back, or if it was a free transfer.

This is a bummer for Liverpool. Kyrgiakos, especially at 32 years of age, was never going to be a starter every match for the club, but he certainly gave depth in one of the club’s thinnest positions. While it may be covered if Liverpool can nab Bolton defender Gary Cahill, Birmingham City fullback Scott Dann, or recently linked Uruguayan Sebastian Coates this may have been a poor bit of business.

Some may see it as another step away from Roy Hodgson’s side, but when the club is racing to get a top four place this season, any loss like this can hurt.

Kenny, you have to sign one or two more center backs. It was clear in the first match against Sunderland that Jamie Carragher cannot go a full 90 minutes every match, and it is likely better if he plays matches from off the bench from here on out.

Plus, it doesn’t allow me to listen to this to get pumped up for Liverpool matches Soto would have played in this season:

Recent Los Angeles Galaxy export, Edson Buddle, continued his hot scoring form in his debut for FC Ingolstadt. By all definitions a goal poacher, Edson Buddle is like the American version of Darren Bent, just not valued anywhere close £24 million (but neither is Bent, really). Relegation battling Ingolstadt couldn’t hold their lead in this one, [...]

Your weekly Youtube clip of a German hitting someone in the balls.

Team huddles, or just large piles of riled up men for that matter, are always host to some very inappropriate secret actions. I refer strictly to said piles of men in a sporting sense, mind you, ya freaks. For example, large team celebrations, if any of you have been lucky enough to join one, typically [...]

From our vault of abandoned original features, Borussia Dortmund’s ‘Kuba’ Blaszczykowski retrieves the Botch of the Month. I still think Chapter 1 was better.

The only thing I like more than lame puns inside of headlines has to be an underdog. They are like little sporting surprises that keep you on your toes. This season’s most eye-opening up-start squad has to be Bundesliga table toppers, FSV Mainz. To be honest, they’ve kind of captured the heart of yours truly. [...]