A whole mess of really dumb shit went down in the football world this last week. Yeah, there was that handshake that never was between a couple of children but that wasn’t the only thing that went askew in the sport over the last seven days or so. Sure, it may be the most controversial and socially important but we are going to ignore that. The English media have already beaten that horse to death, brought it back to life, then beat it to death again. So we’re just going to leave it alone. We’re not going to sit here and be like, “Oh, wow, racism in European sport?! When did that become an issue?! We’ve done such a good job of getting rid of it?!!!?$”

Alright, I’ll stop ranting about European sports major, glaring, and obvious deficiency compared to American sport (red, white, and number fucking one) and I’ll get on with the subject of the post. Let’s pass out some medals for the not-so-intelligent events that happen this week.

More After The Jump…

Bronze Medal: Huddersfield Town

Event: Fired manager Lee Clark

That would be record breaking manager, Lee Clark. The former manager of the League One side only lost 3 of his 55 league matches in charge, and set a League Football record for a 43 match unbeaten run. Despite a recent loss to 2nd place Sheffield United, the team sits in 4th just 7 seven points away from an automatic promotion spot with sixteen games left. It’s a shocking move, and has led to talk of Clark taking legal action for an unfair dismissal. Despite seeming like a gold medal move, it gets the bronze because some fans and pundits seem to think Clark should have done much more with the funding he was given. That little tidbit of info brings this whole award into question. Who deserves it? Clark or Huddersfield’s chairman? Let history answer that question, much like it has with the Miami Dolphins choice to not be as aggressive as the New Orleans Saints in pursuing free-agent Quarterback, Drew Brees in the summer of 2006 due to concerns over a surgically repaired throwing arm.

 Silver Medal: Craig Whyte

Event: One-uped ‘Arry

After the “five year nightmare” ‘Arry Redknapp said he went through (no, not Fabio Capello in the England dugout, I’m referring to his tax-evasion trial) you would think all football personnel would make sure their taxes are in order. Particularly when you’re the chairman of one of Scotland and World Football’s biggest clubs. Craig Whyte didn’t do that. Apparently the Scottish club Rangers FC failed to pay £9m in taxes since Whyte bought the club in May. It has resulted in the Glasgow giants going into administration and has brought about serious questions as to what exactly Whyte and the previous owners have been doing. Has he been hiding stuff from the tax-man or is he just incompetent? It’s resulted in Ibrox players questioning their contract status at the club and has inevitably led to hysteria in the British media. Eight EPL clubs to go bust? Jesus H. Christ, you need to get some sources and stop making shit up if you really want me to believe that.

 Gold Medal: FIFA

Event: Ranking Denmark ahead of Argentina

I have a feeling that if we make this a regular segment, FIFA will be to this competition what the USA is to the Olympics: Gold Medal leaders. Their latest misstep is fairly mild compared to the spicy scandals we are used to from Seppy and Co, but it’s worthy of the gold medal none-the-less. Nobody takes FIFA rankings seriously, and this weeks latest numbers show why. As much as I respect Danish footballers I have a hard time accepting that they should have leapfrogged Argentina for the 10th spot. Yes, the Danes beat Portugal recently while Argentina lost to Venezuela. But keep in mind that’s a Portugal side that allowed 3 goals against Iceland in November and had to qualify for EURO 2012 via the playoffs. Oh, and that Venezuela side: semi-finalists at last summer’s Copa America. Tied Brazil. Beat Chile. ‘Nuff said.

Honorable Mention: ESPN

Event: Really poor editing/racism

And let me tell you, we know a thing or two about poor editing. The only reason they aren’t taking home a medal is because the event they are nominated for concerns basketball, not football. Here’s a lesson: “Chink in the Armor” is hardly a good headline to run in the wake of Asian-American sensation Jeremy Lin’s first loss as a starter for the Knicks. In related news, yes the New Orleans Hornets did end the Lin-sanity last night and are on a 3 game winning streak. At 7-23, the Bees are heating up in time for a run at the Playoffs! NBA title going through the Big Easy! Happy Mardi Gras!

Christ, they made us wait long enough with the teaser. The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is finally out and just as we expected, USWNT star forward Alex Morgan looks pretty damn incredible. Just so everyone’s aware, if you start perusing the site at work, you won’t get anything done. Fair warning.

There’s really little else to say. Lots of good looking girls and one of them happens to score a lot of goals. Do we need any more reason to care? I think not.

A tough weekend to swallow for fans of the English game, especially when you’re allegiance is to the instigators. But as trying a round as it was for a Liverpool fan, imagine being an Aston Villa fan.

The kids? Now the kid’s are doing it? What a shameful display of ginger-on-brunette discrimination this is…

Alex Morgan in bodypaint. It doesn’t get much better than this folks.

This is just a sneak peak of what we will see in the latest SI Swimsuit Issue that drops Tuesday, Feb. 14th. And I have to say, I’m digging the goods. There isn’t much to add. Why say anything, really. Just sit back and soak in the visual beauty.

[via Sports Illustrated Hot Clicks - interview with Alex Morgan regarding the shoot... and a probable Ryan Gosling crush... damn it Gosling, why do you have to be such a stud?]

The England national team, as you may know, are currently without a coach or a captain. The question du jour (and probably the only thing that your Twitter timeline will consist of for the next week or so) is ‘Who’s going to be the next manager of England?’ Will it be Woy Hodgson? Or the fat waiter himself, Rafa Benitez? How about Real Madrid wantaway Jose Mourinho? While the ravenous British media speculates endlessly about the man who’s eyes they next get to peck out of their skull, I think this picture tells the story.

Sorry Spurs fans, it’s ‘Arry the Acquitted and you know it.

You get the custom chrome dreads, dawg! You get the fat paycheck courtesy of Massimo Moratti! You get the chance to play for an Italian team without any actual Italians! Damn dawg, your homies are gonna see you rollin’ up in this and gonna be like, “daaaaaamn!!!”

So, you may ask….

So what’s the difference between X and J?

Likely equal bank accounts, 40 pounds, and fewer shattily pimped vehicles

Until Joel’s death, he’s actually Nigerian, a Super Eagle

I suggest you get a map, cuz your geography is super feeble

This epic fail comes from the equally gargantuan faceplant that was the 3-3 draw between Chelsea and Man United on Sunday after the Blues let slip a 3-goal lead in the second half.

But this one comes via Craven Cottage after Dempsey’s hat trick v Charlton a few weeks ago. Funny thing is, if I hadn’t mentioned anything about ad boards, you’d probably still be staring at this one saying ‘WTF is this?’ It’s a serendipitous moment of advertising beauty, that’s what. #Merica

It’s hard to make sense of something that appears as senseless as Wednesday’s riots in Egypt. Hopefully this terrific video posted by The Guardian last July will shed some light on the crossroads of football and politics in the middle east’s most populous nation.

Even so, making sense of the deadly division between two rival fan bases (Al-Ahly and Al-Masry) is difficult when even the biggest of rival fans (Al Ahly and Zamalek) seemed so united just months ago.

Along with the speculation of inadequate security, a sense of frustration and anger is at fault. The transition to something better than Mubarak has been slow and arguably non-existent. I’m not going to pretend to know the details of the turmoil in Egypt, but there is one quotation from the video that is very powerful. A non-identified Egyptian states that there are only two things the world goes into the streets to celebrate:

“A huge political change, or because of a football match. That’s it.”

With that sentiment, it’s easy to see how the two are so easily intertwined.

As you know, sh*t is hitting fans across Egypt right now. Wednesday’s riots have turned into today’s mourning and demonstation. Bob Bradley marched at those demonstrations today and the former U.S. manager did comment on the situation:

When a tragedy like this occurs, I think it’s important to show respect…To see so many young people lose their lives is something that is a terrible, terrible thing and something that’s very sad for everyone that’s living in Egypt. All Egyptian people feel this today.”

At a time when most national team managers, unattached to the identity of the nation they represent, would flee a country in turmoil, Bob the Brave actually took to the streets with the people. His humility, courage, and class – as ugly as the situation in Egypt may be – is beautiful. He even gave a very wholehearted interview to an Egyptian news station. See Bob and every inch of his freshly shaved head below.

According to Brian Straus, all soccer in Egypt has indeed been suspended as a result of the riots in Port Said that killed 74. Egyptian football officials have been fired and even several notable players have retired. As a result Bob’s future at the national is a bit foggy. But judging by his actions he seems loyal to the role, and if he remains as manager he will have bundles to do with rebuilding the game in Egypt.

Cue the Mohawk. Cue the powerful finish. Cue the back flip. My favorite showman is back.

It’s Djibril Cisse time in the EPL again. And I’m most definitely smitten about it.

No real news here, just a bad ass mofo getting his kicks and more exposure to yours truly due to his move back into the Prem. After a lackluster six months at Lazio, the pacey Frenchmen is in foggy London town with QPR. Proving how perfectly his physical, fast, and powerful style fits into the English game, he netted after just 12 minutes. It’s his third debut goal for an English club. That’s pretty boss.

OK, I will try and inject some sort of analysis/news into this post. Here it is: QPR wins the Thirdkit.com Blue Ribbon for January Transfer Excellence. The most active top-flight club in the window, they brought in six players. In addition to Cisse, they snagged Bobby Zamora from Fulham to put some teeth into the Ranger’s attack. Across the back, they bought Manchester City’s Nedum Onuoha. Although last night’s second-half wasn’t superb by any means for the 24 year-old center-back, he should be a solid pick up. Additionally, some solid depth was added in the form of three shrewd loans for players who should make a big impact at Loftus Road. Federico Macheda at forward, Samba Diakite at Center Midfield, and Taye Taiwo at Leftback, a loan move via AC Milan that Thirdkit.com writers from Louisiana are already calling “dope” and “gnarly”.

Let’s do some math. They sit on 21 points. They have 15 games left to play…

15 x 3 = 45 points

45 points + 21 points = 66 points

Europa League? I think so! Call your travel agents QPR fans!