They are logoless. They are homeless. But they sure has hell ain’t moneyless.

Welcome, New York City FC. The freshly announced expansion club set to join MLS as it’s 20th team in 2015.

Conceived by newlywed sporting giants Manchester City FC and the New York Yankees, New York City FC was birthed this very morning, a procedure facilitated by Commissioner Don Garber. Imagine him, little medical cap, surgical mask taut across his face hiding his biggest-ever grin as he cut the umbilical cord to his latest and greatest genetically modified soccer baby, lifted it to the sky for all the soccer animal kingdom to see, as MLS nurses belted the chorus of “Circle of Life.” What a scene.

Wait, that may sound a bit negative, but this is too huge to really get pessimistic quite yet. This is the league’s biggest stride yet in trying to reach what some call, “the big time”. If the MLS wants to be one of the top soccer leagues in the world in the next 10 years, this is a vital step.

However, despite it’s single entity business model, MLS has long strived to facilitate the existence of its own “superclubs”, like the world’s biggest leagues enjoy, behind it’s own curtains. For NYCFC, a future superclub, it really couldn’t have arranged better parents for. Oil-blooded Man City and the f*cking Yankees. Two of the biggest, richest brands in world sport have invested in a soccer team in a league where salary caps and revenue sharing exist to cultivate competitiveness and equal growth in a socialist sporting atmosphere. So yes, people are skeptical. Skeptical of the loopholes and advantages they may give to their new blonde haired, blue eyed preciousness. Kind of like they did for LA and Goldenballs. It’s a risk MLS is taking. But love it or hate it, one probably worth taking.

As for the stadium, Queens is still the preferred location for an SSS, but plans are still in the works. An interim venue will be chosen to host them in 2015. Where? Who knows, but a poorly chosen home for their debut season would be catastrophic.

As for the logo, many have already jumped on NYCFC’s assumed branding. Sky blue and white, Man City font. It’s all a bit too obvious. Should we also expect pinstripe kits? Rightly so, a true fanbase will want original branding that captures the identity of urban NYC. Not a regurgitation of ‘American Man City’. That’s not a good way to get Man United, Liverpool, Arsenal, or, screw it, supporter’s of any other PL club to adopt your club.

Some words from NYCFC’s proud new parents:

“We are pleased to be associated with this major move by MLS to increase its presence in the New York market and to enhance the opportunity for New York soccer fans to enjoy high-level play in their own city,” gurgled the Hal Steinbrenner.

“We are thrilled to contribute to the energy and growth of New York City Soccer. In the Yankees, we have found the absolute best partner for developing a world-class sports organization and a winning team that will carry the New York City Football Club name with pride,” Ferran Soriano, Man City CEO, said while trying to contain himself as Steinbrenner pinched his butt.

Lastly, you may be thinking, “What the hell happen to the Cosmos?” Well once the iconic NY club decided to join the second-tier NASL in December, that pretty much ticked Garber and MLS suits right off. But don’t worry, you didn’t buy that hip Cosmos track jacket for nothing. You can catch them this August when they kickoff their NASL campaign at Hofstra University.

So Cosmos to MLS is dead. NYCFC is alive, goo-gooing and ga-gaing on its first day of a pampered existence. What do you think?

Everything comes in threes, so we should have guessed that another big name from Northern England was set to retire at the end of the year. Old Golden Balls is hanging up the boots along with Fergie and Carra. (We aren’t counting Scholes – he already retired once so it’s just some Brett Favre shit.)

If you’ve ever been to our blog before you probably know we don’t like Manchester United. In fact, it’s probably the one thing most of us hate more than anything in the world.

Even so, we got to give props to Becks, particularly from a yankee perspective. Upon coming to the MLS he kinda sort of sucked a bit and was kinda sort a little bitch. But, like any real professional, put his head down and ended up playing a major role in leading the LA Galaxy to back-to-back MLS titles.

Although we weren’t too thrilled with the reports of training alone upon coming to the Galaxy and his riff with Landycakes, he managed to do what all America sports fans love: make a comeback.

He bid adieu to the sunny confines of Venice Beach and opted for the romantic shores of the Seine with good vibes being shown from both directions.

Domestic title in four countries. Not bad for a one-footed player that can’t head, tackle or score. Enjoy retirement, you deserve it sir.

To play in the EPL is worth millions as well as mounds of prestige, and clubs will do everything in their power to stay in the Premiere League. (no need to look further than QPR) However, on the top side of table, finishing in the top 4 has its own appeal, gaining access to the money and esteem of playing in the Champions League.  Both the EPL and the Champions League are highly sought after, but which prize generates a stronger urge to prevail?

Today’s match pitting relegation threatened Wigan with mediocrity threatened Arsenal presents the perfect case study.  Both Wigan and Arsenal need to win today, all three points, win or go home.  With a draw or a loss, Wigan will be effectively relegated with one match to play.  A travesty as they are a joy to watch, and were just crowned FA Cup winners only days ago.  Arsenal, on the other hand, will give up the lead for fourth place back to Spurs if they do not collect all three points.  Its not often that a League result has such immediate consequences, its like a cup final with two different trophies.  Unfortunately, only one of these teams (or neither) will leave the field today with their dreams still intact.  Hopefully, we will get some insight watching the game, as to whether relegation or the Champions League provokes the strongest will to win.

You read that right. Centro Deportivo Olmedo FC*, a second-tier club side from Ecuador wants a dude whose biggest accomplishment is getting his U-10 amateur side to a regional cup final. Chris Makin, Carlton and Rothwell Athletic Giants Junior FC* gaffer, may go from coaching 65, 11-year-old English boys and girls to managing a full squad of South American professionals that has participated in the Copa Libertadores in it’s 94-year history.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

This is like Rookie of the Year meets Little Giants meets The Scout. But way crazier because this is real.

Maybe this means my Football Manager CV will get me a gig. Nobody can overlook my 2010 World Cup triumph over Brazil with the Stars and Stripes. Sure, I had to play the Final about 15 times before squeaking out a 1-0 win but I still won. Quavas Kirk down the wing, Nik Besagno my deep-midfield lynchpin worth over $15 million bringing things together like a couple of bosses… those were the days.

Honestly though, I think there could be something to this Makin appointment. It could be a stroke of genius. In 2002, Centro Deportivo Olmedo FC made it to the knockout stage of the Copa Libertadores. Coincidentally, that’s when all the kids this guy coaches were born. I don’t want to say it… but I’ll say it: it’s time for a Golden Generation.

*These team names are pretty damn long.

Whatever the reason, these awesomely awful videos are freakin addictive. Everyone at TK has long suspected some level of brainwashing or subliminal messaging involving theses YouTube clips as the reason for us being so enthralled with their mediocrity.

After spending months in the TK labs, our crack team of doctoral researchers discovered the formula for constructing effective YouTube player videos. Interpol believes Magatu to be behind the creation of the mind-altering reels.

The recipe for digital disaster after the jump…

Slow-Mo/Emotional Opening Close Ups

Every video should kick-off with 20-30 seconds of close up shots of the player showcased. These should be emotional or completely somber in nature, never indifferent. A stern faced, blue-steelesque glare will work just as well as a primal scream from a striker that just missed a sitter. However, all of these mini clips must be in slow motion. It fantastically juxtaposes the frantic pace that the rest of the video will feature.

Minimum of Five Low-Res Sources

In particular, old footage from eastern European leagues should be included if possible. Raw, grainy footage from Ukraine, Belarus and Romania always add the grit to these videos that our scientists found football fans thrive off. Not everyone has this luxury, as some players that are subjects of these videos are forced to play in the posh confines of the English Premier League and La Liga. Although most television coverage is far too high quality for player clips, there is hope. Find the shadiest on-line feed for each game a highlighted player is in and rip the footage. It will provide you with sufficiently shitty  content.

Techno/Eurotrash Soundtrack

Last but definitely, absolutely not least, you need to have a real crap track from the hottest spinner from Holland. (Any snipet from this mashup will do.) Make sure it has a lot of zips, booms and cracks in it. You need that kind of song in which the vibrations hit your face in rapid succession leading to more headaches and concussions than most NFL stars sustain. Our researchers found the possible brain damage that results from this music may be a significant factor in their addictive nature.

It happened. Again. Mexican side C.F. Monterrey came from behind, again, and won the CONCACAF Champions League…again. That’s three in a row now for the Los Rayados (The Striped Ones), and this annual lifting of the trophy by Humberto Suazo y compañiá is getting boring. But really, there was nothing boring about the way they claimed this one.

In a repeat final from last season, Monterrey hosted fellow Mexicans Santos Laguna in the second leg of the CCL Final last night. Both teams entered the match sitting on goose eggs – figuratively, but there’s an image – after a 0-0 stalemate in the first leg, so a few punches of the onion bag were guaranteed in this one.

The first one came on 37 minutes when Santos, who started with USMNT forward Hercules Gomez on the bench, broke the deadlock through Colombian striker Carlos Quintero, who, you should know, is a Virgo and born 4 days after me and is joint CCL Golden Boot Winner. Riveting, innit? Five minutes after halftime, Santos added a second through a header by Panamanian defender Felipe Baloy.

Up two away goals with about 40 minutes to play? Surely, Los Guerreros had were destined for glory. “Not so fast!” Suazo didn’t say but probably could have in his deep Chilean accent.

Monterrey’s siege began at the hour mark and Santos were doomed by the same late game tidal wave of blue & white that claimed the LA Galaxy in the semi-finals. Antonio de Nigris landed the first blow, slotting home a slippery Jesús Corona cross in the 59th minute. However, the heroics were left much later.

Despite Santos bringing on the energetic Gomez with hopes to stretch their pressing opponent, Monterrey’s Neri Cordoza equalized in the 84th after a corner clearing debacle my Santos. Two minutes later, the winner came, and it always was, when Suazo curled in a free kick that only had eyes for De Nigris. And of course, what would a win like this be without a Chilean cherry on top. After Monterrey broke on a counter attack in extra time, Suazo topped things off, sliding one easily into an empty net. As they say, ‘One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.’

MLS & CCL

So, like most recent years, when we watch another Mexican side raise another CCL trophy, it reminds us: An MLS side has yet to do the same since the ‘Champions League’ era began in 2008. We can all remember Real Salt Lake coming oh-so close in 2011, only  for Monterrey to pull of a similar comeback in the 2nd leg. This year, MLS fell short, but not for the lack of trying. Monterrey disposed of LA Galaxy in the semi-finals while Seattle Sounders were dumped out by Santos in the same round.

MLS is getting closer, it seems. But as Graham Parker notes, if MLS plans to be a top league in the world by 2022, as it says it does, American (or Canadian??) dominance of the CCL ought to be around the corner, and with it, consistent representation in the Club World Cup. Because your league is no league at all until your best is getting nutmegged by the Neymars, Riberys, and Messis of the world on a yearly basis.

Alas, almost 300 years later, another German king of sorts will be crowned in London. This ceremony will take place in the cathedral of Wembley Stadium instead of the stone halls of Westminster Abbey, but the kings (of Europe) will be Germans in England yet again.

Dortmund survived a late goal onslaught from Real Madrid to retain their right to bid for the crown, as Bayern swept the once mighty Catalans to ensure that they will play a part in this ascension affair. I for one am thrilled that the European Cup will come down to these two bitter rivals. It will be a spectacle the whole world will tune in to see, as I am sure George’s coronation would have been if the television or the telegram would have been around in 1714.

OK, now that you know how to do a drum roll, you can bust out those snares and keep reading in style…

This may not be the definitive indicator of which league has the most parity but we’re going with it anyway.

We measured the percentage of the champion’s points each last place team achieved in the EPL, Bundesliga, La Liga, Serie A, Eredivisie, Ligue 1 and Super Lig over the last nine seasons. Make sense? No. Cool, let’s move on.

Then we averaged the totals and came up with a definitive ranking that pundits, managers, footballing statisticians and intelligent people will probably say shows absolutely no proof that the following leagues can be ranked in overall balance of competition as such…

Average Percentage of Champion’s Points
By Last Place Club Since 2003-2004

Ligue 1 – 34.6 %

Bundesliga – 33.8 %

La Liga – 32.2 %

Serie A* – 30.1 %

EPL – 28.2 %

Super Lig** – 28 %

Eredivisie – 24.4%

* 2005-2006 season not included because Juventus and other big dogs were bad boys. 

** 2009-2010 season not included because Ankaraspor were in cahoots with Ankaragucu or something which led to the former being relegated in October 2009. 

There may be some weight to this analysis we literally just pulled out the backend of the Thirdkit (the office still smells awful) as more champions have been crowned in Germany and France than the other leagues listed since the 2003-2004 season. Ligue 1 and the Bundesliga have each seen five different winners in that time. The EPL, Super Lig and Eredivisie four and La Liga and Serie A just three.

Bless TV Golo and their dedication to providing us the best goals of the week, every week. They’re more consistent than we’ll ever be.

You might as well start practicing the German National Anthem at Wembley because it looks like it is going to be an all German Champions League Final this year after Bayern thrashed Barcelona 4-0 last night, and Borussia Dortmund steam-rolled over Real Madrid 4-1 today.    Madrid and Barcelona have been touted as among the best teams in Europe recently, but this weeks slaughter of the Spanish was very jarring.  Barring any miracles next week when both ties wrap up in Spain, it will be the Bundesliga rivals fighting it out for the European Cup.

Dortmund and Bayern have been competing in a heavy-weight bout  over the last few years in the Bundesliga, and the DFB-Pokal to decide who is the best club team in Germany.  Dortmund dominated the early rounds winning the Bundesliga in 2011 and 2012, as well as a German Cup that year.  However, the Bavarians have made a comeback in 2012-13 winning the Bundesliga in record time, and are also on course to win the German Cup this year as well.  So how will this boxing match be settled?  Who will be crowned the heavy-weight champion of the Germany?!?  The final round moves out of Der Vaterland and into London for a clash at the Champions League Final to determine whose fighting gloves will be raised in the air in triumph at the end.